ALL THINGS FAIR
"On Mating -
Lectures on Sexuality
by Carolus Linneus
Discharge of semen
generally begins by the 14th year,
when men first indulge
in the act of love,
and continues thereafter
until the age of 50 or 60,
when it comes to an end.
And when the semen starts to flow,
hair around the pleasurable members
also begins to grow,
the breasts begin to swell,
the voice changes, et cetera.
Both sexes are stirred by nature towards mating
more easily than before,
when they scarcely noticed
the differences between them."
- It's time. - You sure?
- Yes. - Really sure?
- Yes. - False claims will be punished.
I don't care.
Three-quarters of an inch? Let's verify.
Now you'll see.
- We've got time. - No, we don't. We can't rush this.
Postponed until next recess.
It's postponed until next recess.
- What did you say his name was? - Stig.
He's cute.
- He lives in your building? - Yes, same floor.
Mikael Bengtsson.
Orvar Bergmark.
- Grunt-Orvar. - Excuse me?
Grunt-Orvar.
It has to be Runt-Orvar to be funny.
Isidor Blecker.
How long did he say it was?
Kaj Cervin.
How long did he say it was?
Bengt Dahlstrom.
How long is it?
Roger Hansson.
Krister Kristenson.
Bo Larsson.
Lars Larsson.
Sune Malmberg.
Sture Martensson.
Albert Nilsson.
I was class monitor last term.
Can I be monitor again?
Certainly.
You and I can keep order in the class together.
That would be nice.
Helge Persson.
Stig Santesson.
- The Stockholmer. - The Stockholmer?
Are you from Stockholm?
Yes. I left two years ago.
Me too. I just left three days ago.
My name is Viola J-son Gruter.
I'll write it on the blackboard.
Some ladies piss themselves when they come.
What did you say?
They piss when they come.
Why?
It's, like, wide open inside.
Wide open, like a door.
Maybe they just forgot to go to the bathroom first.
Don't you understand anything?
The dick is still inside.
Maybe it's when they come really big.
Probably.
I hope we'll get along well
this spring term.
- You just staying one term, miss? - We'll see.
Take out your books.
- Prove it, Izzy. - Use the tape measure.
It has to be three-quarters of an inch.
- Is it stuck? - We don't have all day.
Definitely passes.
- Three-quarters? - Yeah, he's right.
Out with the cash.
- How much is it? - Twenty-eight times 25 øre.
Stop.
- That's cheating. - Cheating?
- Yes, he's a Jew. - So what?
- It doesn't count. - Doesn't count?
No, they have a lot more hair than us.
Thicker, too. It's cheating.
I didn't cheat. See for yourself.
It's hair. What the hell else could it be?
Sure it's hair. That's not what I'm saying.
- Then what? - You're a Jew.
Christ, sure I'm a Jew. So what?
Didn't you hear what they said?
It doesn't count.
You've got more hair than we do, and thicker, too.
He'd be disqualified at the racetrack
if he were a horse.
You didn't say anything before.
- But that's how it is now. - You can see that. It's obvious.
Wait, Izzy.
You get the 25 øre back.
What fucking 25 øre?
His stake.
If he can't compete, he has to get his stake back.
Why? He knew it from the start.
What did he know?
That he's a Jew.
Look in the mirror. His beak takes up the whole mirror.
But this time we'll let him off. Give him his 25 øre.
And you should be damn grateful.
"He came like a storm on an April evening
and had a tankard on a belt round his neck."
Do you know who this was?
- His name begins with a C. - Time's up. Five minutes.
She looked. I've got three left.
Hell no. One at the most.
We meet him at the beginning of the novel.
He is the storm.
Are you asleep? This place is thick with flies.
His name is Carlsson.
We'll look at the excerpt once more.
Left.
Thank you, class.
Sit down.
Your name is Stig?
The fact I haven't yelled at you
may lead you all to think I didn't notice
your little eccentricities.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Sharing the same piece of chewing gum isn't good.
It promotes infectious diseases.
Then there's the note you passed around.
However, I may allow you to continue with your little specialty.
I've never considered the fly to be a useful animal.
I don't know how many you've killed,
but I'm very impressed with your accuracy.
I think you missed one.
Two.
One behind the widow's son in the picture,
and another that -
You will stay and clean up the execution grounds.
How?
Is water all right, or should I use soap too?
Use your imagination.
And the note.
What note?
The note you passed around that interrupted the lesson.
I don't know where it is.
Your right back pocket.
Would you please read it?
Well? I'm all ears.
I can't do that, miss.
Are we suddenly no longer able to read?
No...
but I can't do it, miss.
"How many times does a cock go in and out during normal sex?
Right answer wins a prize."
You gentlemen have
a rather exaggerated idea of male potency.
All these answers, except perhaps Olle's, are the result of wishful thinking.
The flies.
What?
That one, for instance.
All corpses removed, miss.
And that one?
Good-bye.
Good evening.
Sigge!
SEYMOR SANTESSON
Sigge!
Don't hang your hat on the moose. You know what Dad says.
Where is Sigge?
First I heard he had a quick leave.
Then Kalle came and said
it was postponed indefinitely.
And I made brown beans.
Was there a letter?
Kalle brought it. It's under the mermaid.
The little mermaid.
Don't waste the batteries, Mom.
Special news report.
German forces west of Stalingrad
have suffered severe losses,
and the area around-
He lost a couple of pounds,
but he's still too fat for welterweight.
- You going to a party? - Why do you ask?
The curlers.
No, I just felt -
I want to look nice for Sigge.
Too fat by how much?
Four.
Pounds or tons?
Tons.
The limit is 148.
If the fight were tomorrow, he'd fight Carlstrom.
- Is that Mighty Arvid? - Yes.
Toughest guy in the army.
In other words:
Every mouthful is a safety hazard.
"Transfer to submarine service unconfirmed."
Unconfirmed.
Submarine?
He can't even ride in an elevator without panicking.
I'm just going up to the attic.
I'm sort of in a hurry.
You're going to the movies.
It's my job. I'm late.
Chocolate, sweets,
cream cakes.
- Come, let's go. - Let's take the tables.
Leave them. The Nordic Museum needs some things.
Guys, let's help her out.!
You know this one?
Music, music, music
We all need it sometimes
Technical difficulties.
You can buy chocolate while you wait.
We don't want chocolate. We want to see the film.
It started five minutes late to begin with.
Then it breaks down when it's barely started.
- What the hell kind of theater is this? - And it's not the first time.
Chocolate, anyone?
I want some chocolate.
You and your damn sweet tooth!
Don't buy anything. It'll delay things more.
You buying the whole box?
Hurry up, for God's sake.
- Anyone else? - No. Start the movie.
OUR GANG
Damn it. That's the last time I help you.
You have to learn to be on time.
- If Pettersson had shown up - - I'd have sold my last coconut ball.
Damn it, I don't want to lose my job
just because -
And put your hat on.
If Pettersson sees you with no hat on, you'll be seeing stars.
Good boy.
Then they have "ori-gies."
- "Ori-gies." - I heard you.
What's that?
When a bunch of people do it together.
When a bunch of people do it together, I said.
Is that the same as group sex?
What's group sex?
Same as you said. What was it?
"Ori-gies."
- "Ori-gies." - Wuiet, damn it!
He's good around the house too. Congratulations.
Yeah, he always takes out the garbage.
What about the rugs?
What?
Does he help with the rugs too?
Always.
You sit in the window a lot.
God, you know what we forgot?
Language lessons on the radio.
- Aasen... Norway. - That's him.
There are a few of us here around the microphone
in a small room,
and there are thousands and thousands
throughout Scandinavia listening to us.
There are thousands and thousands
in the whole of Scandinavia listening to us.
And we're here
and you listening to us in Sweden,
Denmark, Norway, Finland and other places.
And you who are here and you listening to us
in Denmark, Sweden, Norway,
Finland and other places.
What do you think?
You're improving.
You can pull it off.
- Sigge. - Hi.
- How long are you staying? -Just until tomorrow.
You didn't buy a ticket, did you?
No, the girl in the box office likes the navy.
- She's Danish, right? - Yeah.
Are you on submarines,
or is that a secret?
No, I didn't pass the test, but I can take it again.
I am going underwater.
Imagine!
Just a thin steel skin between you and the icy green water.
Cheek to cheek with death.
Can you think of anything nicer?
No, it sounds great.
As long as you don't have claustrophobia.
- Claustro -? - Phobia.
Fear of elevators.
I'm not scared of elevators, am I?
I've never seen you in one.
I take elevators. You always take the stairs.
And there are no stairs in submarines.
There she is. That's her.
If you stay until after the 9:00 show, we can go home together.
Sure.
- Is Dad home? - Was my hat hanging on the moose?
No? Well, then.
Good point.
Help me.
When will you learn to undress yourself?
I didn't tell anyone you were home.
They'll really be surprised in the morning.
What're you doing?
The blackout.
You should know about that.
- When are the finals? - They never tell you anything.
Not until the last second.
As long as they don't cheat me out of fighting Mighty Arvid.
I'd like to get revenge on him.
But it depends on whether he'll be transferred.
Of course, they can't transfer people just for the army boxing championship.
Now I really feel like I'm home.
What did you think of Lone?
What did you talk about?
She talked a hell of a lot.
Usually Danish isn't so hard.
I didn't understand a word she said.
Some dialect,
north Jutland or something.
Sigge?
What if she said she had syphilis?
I'm just looking up a word.
I do it a lot.
Or I used to, when Mr. Mollerstrom was here.
What word?
All the words I don't understand.
We just have a small dictionary at home. Not many words in it.
I understand. What's the word?
Right now?
You mean now, miss?
Mediocre.
Of moderate ability.
Now you don't have to look it up.
Thank you.
Any others?
No.
I just wanted to see if it says anything else.
Well?
What does it say?
"Mediocre.
Latin mediocris.
Middling.
Mediocrity. Mediocre: person of moderate ability.
Work of no particular value."
I didn't know the noun was mediocrity.
We learn something new every day, it would seem.
Good-bye.
When does it have to be back?
By 5:00. He's going fishing this evening.
How is your turtle today?
Thanks for asking.
What is it, Albert?
I don't know if you can stay. I can't assume responsibility.
Don't worry.
- Good-bye. - Good-bye.
What's he doing?
Looking up a word.
What's Sticko doing?
What the hell are you doing?
Since Albert hasn't returned from the nurse,
I need someone else to go with me
up to the map room.
I'll help you.
That was the math teacher.
What number was it?
Sixty-two.
It wasn't rubella.
Good. Sit down.
Stig better take that back.
He's probably the only one who knows where it goes.
Miss, the monitor's job is to take them back and forth.
I only had to see the nurse due to force majeure.
Yes, indeed.
Do you see anything?
No.
Sit down.
It's not the first airplane to fly over.
But it's a Flying Fortress. You can tell by the sound.
Take your seats.
Plexiglas incoming.
How many are there?
Five.
You can carve Plexiglas with a knife.
- An ordinary knife? - Yes.
Any bullet holes?
Aren't there some in the tail fin?
- What's wrong? - What?
- You look sick. - No, I'm not sick.
Maybe I am after all.
Yes.
Let me feel.
I'd better go home to bed.
Christ, that's my bike!
You'll get it back tomorrow.
Have I done something wrong?
No, you haven't.
Once again:
Don't come by unannounced.
My husband may be home.
You said he has a car.
I'll see it if it's here. What make is it?
American.
It has a deer on the front.
- A Dodge. - Yes, that's it.
- Color? - Blue.
A shade darker than your eyes.
He usually parks it in the garage in the yard.
- Then I just have to look there. - No, it's not that simple.
Sometimes he parks it on the street.
Which one? There are four of them.
Check all four, for Christ's sake.
A tip: At home he mostly sits in the kitchen, listening to music.
Classical.
If you hear Beethoven, it's streng verboten.
For safety's sake, always use the kitchen stairs.
I never listen to music. I'm tone-deaf.
But certain signals reach me all the same.
What subject?
What are you getting tutored in?
English.
I should... We drank some juice.
Or rather, I drank some juice,
and my teacher drank... coffee.
I was just drying the glasses.
I have to go to work.
Listen to this.
What?
Aunt Bertha broke her leg.
Serves her right.
Go easy on the students you're tutoring.
The one just now was a nervous wreck.
First one in bed gets the bottom.
Come.
Don't be afraid.
Miss, did you see what the Stockholmer did?
- What? - Did you see what he did?
No.
When I took down the map and was going to -
He pushed me against the wall and ran off with the map.
We'll address that later.
Where did I buy it?
I bought it in London.
I just managed to buy a wardrobe before it was too late.
That was the last time my father traveled.
He sat in his chair, and the cars just had to wait
while we rolled across Bond Street.
The Rolls and the Bentleys.
Daddy smiled once. Just once.
And then the war came.
Don't talk about Daddy.
Not about Daddy.
You're the one talking about your father. I didn't say anything.
It's a bad habit I have during intimate moments.
Tell me about your father.
I want to know all about you.
What does he do?
He hunts moose. He's a moose hunter.
A seasonal worker?
That's just in the autumn.
That's why we're so poor.
No, he's a private chauffeur,
for executives and such.
He did shoot a moose once,
but he called it "downing" it.
He drove a few aristocrats to their hunting grounds.
Then they sat him on a stool and put a gun in his hands.
Not shot. "Downed."
It's on our wall at home.
It takes up half our apartment, and ours is smaller than yours.
We have to duck every time we pass by it.
Olle! Olle! Olle!
Where is your hat?
- Can't I work without it? - With no hat? Are you crazy?
It's to keep your hair in place.
Go in and sell, for God's sake.
But nobody wants any.
Go in.
Chocolate, sweets, cream cakes.
Nobody wants any.
Start the movie.
Olle! Olle! Olle!
Keep moving and punching, okay?
Three minutes to go.
Seconds, leave the ring.
Last round. Go get him.
Round three.
Get up! Sigge, get up!
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten!
Sigge! Sigge!
Stop. I'm first.
Anyway, elders come first.
Will we make it?
We'll begin with the air raid alarm, which sounds like this.
Are you sure that's the Stockholm accent?
Viola.
Viola? Happy birthday.
I didn't go to Nassjo.
Viola!
Well, hello. Where's the wife?
Did she go on an errand?
Yes.
Are you behind in English again?
A vase.Just perfect.
Tchaikovsky.
Romeo and Juliet.
The girl on the balcony.
Yeah, I know.
Straight gin.
Not bad.
But you should see the plans I drew for my real innovations.
This is -
This is just small potatoes.
A bit of hocus-pocus for the customers, you know.
But not without a certain stimulating effect on sales.
You know -
You know, you think of a lot of things
when you sit behind the wheel.
And you know, the roads around Goinge
are straight and boring.
You have lots of time.
Lots of time to think
up there among those spruce trees.
It's not complicated.
You just regulate the flow
with a little bolt in the back.
And then -
If you're away, or made some unwise New Year's resolutions,
you can just stop the flow with the same gadget,
the same gadget you turn it on with on January 2nd.
Understand?
Easy as pie, you know.
This is just peanuts.
I mean,just a little gimmick for customers,
but it makes an impression.
And that's what counts in my business: making an impression.
Take my name. What do you think my name is?
Not the name on my sign. That's K. Kjell.
Kjell is no good. Boring.
Christ, no.
Only the pastor and that sign refer to me as Kjell.
My real name: Frank.
Frank to my customers.
They think of Sinatra, and I'm halfway there.
Everybody likes Sinatra,
right?
Although I prefer Mahler myself. Musically, I mean.
And Beethoven,
late Beethoven.
String quartets, "Grosse Fuge."
Food for the soul.
Cheers. To Beethoven.
Frank.
- And your name is? - Stig.
Stig.
Me Frank, you Stig.
"Sleep on. Kjell is at Kolmarden. V."
Good morning, Albert.
Is anyone absent today besides Stig?
Is Stig absent? I didn't know that.
Yes, I met his mother on the tram.
Hi.
We have to hurry.
Breakfast break will be over soon.
- Are you finished? - Yes.
It's coming soon.
It swells.
Swells!
Do you want something to drink?
- Sure. -Juice?
Yes, please.
Think of what we talked about.
Stockings made of nylon.
- Nylon stockings. - Thanks.
That's what Yank parachutes are made of.
Jesus! It's like sandpaper on the thighs.
Women aren't that dumb.
Think about it.
Where do wool stockings come from?
The ones that warm ladies' legs in winter?
They come from curly little lambs who give wool and say baa.
And shoes? Where do they come from?
- From cows. - Yes.
That's it.
Cows with milk in their bellies and leather on their backs
and who say moo.
And let's not forget the hardworking little silkworm.
The slant-eyed workhorse from China.
A silent character, certainly,
but it works and struggles
by the sweat of its brow.
Not to mention cotton,
which grows in the fields of Alabama and waves in the wind.
What do all these materials have in common?
They come from?
From?
From abroad.
We have lambs and cows in Sweden.
For God's sake, Stig.
No. They come from?
- From nature? - Of course.
They move.
They move and make noises.
Well, not all of them, but most of them.
They run and play when young.
Silkworms don't run. They lie in a cocoon when they're young.
Well, yeah.
But the rest -wool, leather.
They run around and dance and play when they're young.
And where does nylon come from?
Greasy machines in the Pentagon.